A Man

He walked out the door today, very much a man.  This boy that I love - this boy I have held and attempted to train and at times I have broken in ways no person should break another.  Words of life and love and at time death have been spoken and yelled across the years.  Nights of wondering and regret and joy have kept me awake.  Today, as he walked out the door I was faced with the fact that my boy had somewhere in the midst of it all become a man.  They do that I guess right in front of us while were watching, while were hoping, while were dreaming - it happens so fast and so slow all at the same time that I think we are lost in the vortex.   The vortex of not being able to see past the swirl of activity and life and then, the spinning stops and we can stand back and take a look - and there stood in front of me a man.  I was not surprised that he had become a man I was surprised that it had taken me so long to notice.  As I woke and was coming down the stairs he was walking out.  With a cooler in one hand and a baseball bag over his shoulder he was headed out to baseball game number ? one million.  I was caught off guard.  How many Saturday mornings had I been up early to make the lunch, to pack the cooler, to find the uniform and then to drive to a ball field to watch a game.  It seems like most of my life - but it was just a few years - and now he's out.  All of these jobs done, not by me.  He stood there saying, "I'll see you tonight,"  I stood there wondering did I get it right?  Did I push too hard, not hard enough?  Did I say things that will build up or did I do too much tearing down?  As he walked out the door and it closed behind him, I think my heart stopped for a moment.  A moment that said notice this, take this in, your boy is a man.

"The point to remember is that all our circumstances are in the hands of God. The purpose of prayer is to reveal the presence of God, equally present at all times and in every condition."- Oswald Chambers

Not Really Mine

My life has a brief 48 hour window where I found myself at home with no urgent project to finish - so I began to once again clear out our library - which really is a dumping ground for all things school and paper.  I have college acceptance letters, SAT and ACT results, letters to the NCAA and letters from college coaches.  I have Irish Dance Competition programs and sweet notes from teachers.  I have doodle drawings and list made of things to do in the summer.  I should be cleaning but instead I just stack.  Why can't I just throw these papers away?  Some are worth saving but many are just trash - I realize that in the tossing I am forced to realize that life is moving forward and each of my 3 minions are growing up and moving on.  With each toss of the paper I am forced to reconcile the new stage of life.  As wonderful as it is to watch these little people grow into awesome amazing adults - it pains me - to know that they will move on - to no longer watch them daily as they dance in joy and suffer in pain.  In this moment I am practicing the presence of God - to know that He holds them ....

I have been forced to face a reality......
my children aren't really mine.  I have spent the last 18 years training, educating, loving, nurturing , molding, and discipiling these small people - I feel that I should have some ownership.   I DON'T.  All that has been given to me is God's - how I chose to steward that gift is my responsibility.  These people belong to God - their hearts, their lives, their being - ALL GOD - not me.   In coming to grips with this reality I have found freedom - it's not about me - WHAT??? It's not about me.  These people, are people that I am blessed to love, to train, to desciple.  These people bring me joy, and at times sorrow - and they are not mine - they are GOD's - to fellowship with, to enjoy worship, to love - and they will get to choose all that!  I get to choose this moment - this time - this brief, oh so brief encounter - to love, to train, to mold, to nurture - not control - a life that is so precious.   A life not to be possessed and controlled but to be loved and shared.

I may sit here with these papers a little longer - but three o'clock is coming so I really should pull myself together......

Perceptions - THE DRESS

So I'm not much on trending current events - but I happen to land in the middle of this one by Chance?!  THE DRESS - I found myself driving and listening to, yes, 105.3 ESPN - and there was some discussion about the dress - mind you it was 8:30 pm and I had NO idea what they were talking about.  I just didn't want to hear another bad rendition of .... whatever song was playing.  I arrived to pick up our daughter and a friend sent me a link with a picture saying what color is this - I thought we were choosing new dance costumes  - HA! -- I looked and said blue and brownish gold - she said black, I said OK - keep in mind it is now 9:15 pm and I am sure I am the only one left on the face of the northern hemisphere that does not realize that THIS DRESS is actually a hot topic of debate! 

With my husband out of town I begin to do a little late night/early morning social media crawl - and there is THAT DRESS!  I start to research the if, ands, and whys and discovered!!! IT'S good to be right!
http://www.wired.com/2015/02/science-one-agrees-color-dress/

Now that we have established I was right .......again..... my conclusions are and go along with the conversation I Continually have with my 18 year old.  It's all about perceptions.   People will not always see things the same way - people are not coming from your point of view.  People do not know your wounds and you do not know theirs.   Perception - it's how we view things and how others view us.  It's the tone we take - its the way we stand - its the look on a face or the movement of a hand.  Perception - what do you see - how do you see it - maybe the picture has more depth of color than we are aware -

The next time you are sure you are right - Stop and consider - could the person I am interacting with being seeing the situation through a different lens.

You may discover - you are all right - just standing at a different view point.

And know this - “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!" – Matthew 6:23-24
 Here's a great little read on perceptions -http://www.jeremybinns.com/perceptions-series/ 

I really think it's not about the color but how it looks on the wearer....... if you could rock that dress the color is not important.